The Paradox of Validation

The Paradox of Validation
What if the very thing you’ve been told to avoid: validation is actually the thing that could heal you?

In this vulnerable solo episode, I unpack a realization that’s changed everything for me: validation isn’t weakness, it’s nourishment. For soul-led leaders and conscious creators, self-doubt often masquerades as humility. We’re taught to fear ego, to tough it out alone, to be “above” needing affirmation. But what if that’s a lie designed to keep us small?

I share the deeper truth behind the phrase “you can’t read the label from inside the jar, (from my friend Elizabeth)” and how reflection from others can reveal power you never knew you had. You’ll hear why I believe validation, when received with presence, is not about chasing approval but about remembering who you are.

Whether you’re feeling unseen, stuck in a growth plateau, or questioning your impact, this episode will help you shift your relationship with being witnessed. Because someone is waiting for your voice, and it might be you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Welcome to The Business of Becoming, a podcast for soul-led leaders, sacred disruptors, and anyone who knows they were never meant to settle. I'm Sabrina Riley, and I'm not here to teach you how to play the game. I'm here to remind you that you were built to change the world, starting with you. This is a space for transmission, not templates, for the work beneath the work, for remembering who you are, what you carry, and why you're still here. because you were built to change the world, starting with you. Hey friends, I'm so excited to be here with you this week. I came up with what this episode is going to be today, and it's honestly something I'm so excited about. It sort of just dropped in for me As I've been growing a lot recently, and I think this is really going to change things for you in a big way. Because if you're anything like me, you struggle with self-doubt. You struggle with a harsh inner critic. And this might not be a complete solution, but I think it's going to create so much healing. So I'm going to let you in a little bit. It's something I've been working on as vulnerable as you may know me to be. I am always trying to show up more fully, more authentically, more vulnerably because I deserve that and you also deserve that from me as well. And so I have really been struggling with my business so far. For those of you that don't know I left my finance career in April. Why are we so focused on the numbers and the strategies and all of these things? Like, yes, putting systems and processes and those things in place can be important, but especially when we're already at a certain level. Like, let's say, for example, you have a business where you're at 1 million and you're trying to get to 10 million. You're not going to get there by being the same version of you that you are now. So then... You have to ask the question, what version of you do you need to be? What things need to change? What might be blocking you from making that jump? And I'm talking about making jumps that are aligned for you. I'm not talking about scaling or doing big just to do big. Hopefully, it's a jump that's aligned for you, and it's also a jump that's going to allow you to have more impact. So I started this work, and it hasn't really been working out. I haven't had that many clients. It's been really frustrating because I'm working through some lessons and some challenges more than I had expected to. Not that I expected business to just blow up and be easy, but I thought maybe I could get things to a decent or steady point somewhat quickly. And then from there, I would have a lot more work to do. I truly felt like there was... there was a lot of good on the horizon for me. And so to have a couple months where I'm still having to work on myself to the degree that I have been, like I've been just really gutting and clearing out some really difficult things, some really difficult beliefs. And that's kind of disheartening to an extent because it's like, when, when is the work done? Not like, when is it complete entirely? Because it never will be. I know that I'm always going to be changing, but it's like, when is it done for this phase? Or like, what am I missing? What am I not seeing that is going to allow me to be able to get to that next level myself, to be able to either make this business work or to be able to create Whatever I'm supposed to be doing in the world in this moment. And what's going to allow me to transmit the frequency and to be able to do what I'm doing on this podcast. You feel a certain energy from me on this podcast that not everyone is able to feel from me. in other spaces or on other social media. And so how do I bring this into other spaces? How do I make sure that I'm showing up as fully as I can?

UNKNOWN: 4:59

And

SPEAKER_00: 5:02

My friend, Elizabeth Ralph, I'm in her mastermind. She has a company, a podcast called The Spiritual Investor. She's an absolutely incredible human. When I first started listening to her podcast last year, I knew that she was going to help me in some really big ways. And she's helped me so much more than I ever imagined. And one of the things that really I've been sitting with that just have continued to be on my mind is she'll say, you can't read the label from inside the jar. And when you hear that initially, or at least when I heard that initially, I'm thinking... okay, that makes sense. Like I can't always see who I am, or I can't always know that maybe just because I'm feeling good, I'm transmitting the right message or the right frequency, or like, I'm really energizing you. I'm really motivating you. I'm really helping you heal. Like, sure. Just because I feel good doesn't mean that that's actually happening. And that's more or less the context that we were talking about it in, in one of the mastermind meetings. But I think there's so much more to it. And honestly, for her, there's probably so much more to it as well. Maybe she didn't know it was going to be a bigger message or it was going to be a bigger healing, but I think that it really can be. So coming back to where I started, which is I've had a lot of self-doubt. When things continue to seem like they're not working, Like I'm growing, but the financial abundance isn't coming in. It's really easy to get discouraged by that. And I know you feel this too. You're doubting whether or not the business is working. You're doubting whether or not you should make the post. You're doubting whether or not your clients are seeing you, hearing you. You're doubting whether or not you're having enough impact. You're constantly doubting yourself. And I think we've been sold a lie that I'm not sure anyone else really knows about. I mean, I'm sure someone else has talked about this before, but I haven't seen it. And the lie is the idea that there's something wrong with validation. I think there are absolutely certain people who are very in their ego, in their shadow, that are in a place, and I don't mean that as in they're doing something wrong. They're at their own pace on their own journey. But You have people that you know that are egotistical or like we've seen influencers for many years just be like really polished and just try to say all the right things. And it definitely seemed like a lot of them were like really looking for validation. And so you see these things, you see these people showing up in the world. Yeah. And so we've heard different things such as like validation is bad or don't seek validation. And I think it's sort of turned into validation. We try to help ourselves and we try to not really ask other people for support. We're not asking friends to try and offer or try a community for a month or try a consulting session with us or listen to the podcast and let us know what they think. And yes, maybe you do need some genuine feedback, but it's also okay if some of those friends or some of those people mirror something back to you that you're not seeing in yourself. And this is what I feel like I've, in some sense, stumbled upon as I'm really reflecting on this. I think that we are so afraid of being egotistical or accidentally doing the wrong things, especially those of us that would consider ourselves conscious leaders. Even like highly sensitive and neurodivergent people, like often we're analyzing things so deeply. We're seeing all the patterns that we see what we don't want to be. We see what we don't want to bring more of in the world. And then we're so afraid that that's going to become us. And I have to tell you this. Regardless of this self-doubt validation conversation that I'm getting into here, you have to know that just by you having that awareness, you are not likely going to become what you fear. I'll say that again. You are not likely going to become what you fear. I can't tell you that you won't have moments of ego. I can't tell you that you won't live in your shadow. I can't tell you that you won't trip up. But inherently, there's nothing wrong with those moments anyway. It's totally different if you have a terrible moment or you say a shitty thing one time versus if you're just walking around being someone who doesn't care about how you You're affecting other people around you. And so if you're listening to this, chances are is you're already someone who knows that you care a lot more. You already are more self-aware. So you becoming the things that you don't want to be is nearly impossible. You're going to have moments, but you're not going to become that. And so through that lens, you What really is validation? What does validation look like? And maybe it's just giving an opportunity for us to have things reflected back to us, especially from people that we love or even like clients, because they might explain what you do in a way that you've never understood before. They might help you feel much better about yourself than you ever have. I don't think we is reflecting something back to you in a way that is awakening something in you. You're gonna be able to see the difference. You're gonna know that, oh wow, what that person said is helping me remember more of who I truly am. And you're gonna know if it feels like it's you chasing that to fill a hole. And so I've been so uplifted by what so many people have been doing for me recently. And I did have to do the work. I've changed some of my messaging. I've gotten a little bit more clear with what I'm doing for my clients, especially on LinkedIn. And people are starting to get it and people are starting to like the message and they're starting to resonate with the work that I'm doing in the world. And I've gotten messages like, just thanking me for being vulnerable, just thanking me for like my perspective and for looking at things in a different way. It's even gone so far as people seeing how powerful I am, people seeing how compassionate and empathetic I am. And all of this is really helping me Because the inner critic inside wants to tell me that not only is that validation not okay and it's not safe to receive it, but my inner critic tries to tell me that I'm not good enough still. My inner critic tries to tell me that I'm not going to be successful, that I'm not going to have the impact that I dream of, that I'm not going to be able to make a difference for you as you're listening to this podcast. And there's a part of me that knows that that's not true. So every time that inner critic tries to step in, for the most part, it's not completely overshadowing everything because I have enough awareness to know that what it's telling me isn't real. Doesn't mean there's never a sliver of it that I can learn from. Yes, maybe the fact that. I was being critical of myself when I wasn't getting some of these responses was needed. I genuinely did need some more clarity in my messaging. I did need to figure out how to use my voice a little bit more wisely, but by and large, whatever you're getting from your inner critic, whatever harshness that's inside of you is not even remotely the truth of who you are and how amazing that you are. And so I, I've really needed these people to reflect this back to me because all of a sudden I'm seeing not only are they getting my message, but the power that I hold the presence that I hold to make a difference in the world is starting to reach people. They're seeing it. And they're reflecting it back to me. And that's far more important than saying anything about the consulting work or about a single post ever could be. It's what are the words? And especially if the words are not just, hey, thanks for sharing that thought. And they're like, you really made me think about this differently. Or like, thank you for bringing something so meaningful to this conversation. That's huge. That's absolutely huge. And so what I've been doing is I've been allowing myself to feel that anyway. or at least trying to. And the way that I've been doing it is I will purposefully pause. When someone tells me something or when I see a comment or a DM on social media or whatever it is, I will pause. I will maybe even read it multiple times and I will give myself a second. I won't allow myself to just jump to the next post, to keep scrolling, to jump to the next task because I know what I'm seeing is really important. And I know that I actually need to receive that. Like I actually need to feel their words in my body that Not just look at it and say, okay, cool. That was nice. Or even look at it and say, that's not actually me. Or like, that doesn't make sense. I want to use this example specifically. I'm not going to use a name or anything like that. But Sorry, I was trying to find something on LinkedIn, and maybe it was a comment. I thought it was a DM, so I couldn't find it nearly as easily as I had expected to. But anyway, somebody said something very big to me today, and I don't remember the exact words, but I kind of started to read that for a second, and I was just thinking, wow, you're looking at me in a way that's really meaningful. Yeah. You think that I've really moved beyond a certain level of healing. And I started to think, no, no, that's not true. That inner critic started to jump in, started to tell me, Because they said something almost like absolute. They said absolute something. And so obviously absolute is a very strong word. Absolute, perfect, always. Those are really strong words. And I had to stop my inner critic. I had to stop myself and realize not only am I going to practice that receiving, am I going to read this and really sit with it, but I was realizing that that's not really what she meant. She doesn't think that I'm perfect. But she said something in a very meaningful way that I needed to hear. And that's when I started ruminating. Ruminating is not great. I started kind of percolating on what this podcast was going to be. It was really kind of being birthed all morning and all afternoon. Because I started to see how I thought that validation was bad. And yet it had been feeling so good. And I had to realize... I'm not trying to fill a hole. Maybe there's a small part of me that is. How I said a couple minutes ago, that part of it will always be egotistical. Yes, if I get 20 likes on a LinkedIn post or 10 comments or something like that, a level that I'm starting to get to but not always there, I will love that. There will be a small part of me that's like, oh, thank God, I'm finally being seen. Look at me. But there's a massive part of me that's like, okay, you're feeling exactly what I'm trying to do in the world. You're really seeing me. And that's important both to be able to see what it is that you're getting from my message and And that's also important for me to finally believe in myself. And so I think the lie was to tell us that validation is wrong. I genuinely think in the way that we've been told so many lies, I think that someone realized how powerful this was. Us validating each other, us complimenting each other, us affirming each other. And I genuinely think somebody intentionally told us that that was wrong. Because it keeps us small if we never receive the things that other people have to say about us. And that can even be some of the quote-unquote bad things as well. That may still mirror something back to me that's important. But I'm talking about all of the good, all of the things that you really love hearing. You don't want an echo chamber, but as long as it's not just an echo chamber and you just know, like you can feel it in your body. I, I, I feel like I feel it in my heart. Like I know when, when, when someone is just like really saying something that resonates in my soul that, that makes me think, okay, they really get me versus it just like being in my head and it's like, okay, that was cool. Or I'm so glad they said that nice thing about me. and so what if we don't need to be in isolation to see our truth like yes stillness and being alone is really helpful but no matter how much you do of that or how much you need to do because you're going to know when you listen to your body whether or not you need to be alone or maybe if you need to be alone while you're like crafting an offer or starting a business But what if that's not actually what we need the most? What if we're not always going to find the answers by just sitting with ourself? What if sometimes we need other people to mirror them back to us? Because part of the point of this human experience is connection. And so if we're not allowing ourselves to connect with other people in a way that's allowing us to understand how are they seeing us, especially when we know that they're genuine and kind and empathetic and purposeful and all of that, like we are too, then we're doing so much for us. Validation isn't weakness and it isn't ego. We're telling ourselves that as like self-sabotage and a defense mechanism. Because when you tell yourself that, you try not to look for the validation because you think that you might get hurt. Or you're afraid of your own power and you're afraid of the impact you could have in the world of the version of you that you could become. So instead, you self-sabotage yourself. And either way, regardless of whether it's self-sabotage or a defense mechanism, it's keeping us small. And the problem with keeping us small is we're not building the world that we could be. We're not impacting the people that we could be. There are other people out there that need you, that need your work, that need your voice. They are literally waiting for you to speak up. They are literally waiting for you. And I don't say that in a judgmental way. If you are scared shitless to do something the work that you want to do in the world or to become the version of you that you need to become, that is okay. Your journey is your own and the pace of that journey is your own as well. I know just as much as anyone how hard it is to keep breaking yourself down and building yourself back up again. But I can tell you that it will always be worth it. It will always be worth it to allow yourself to be seen. And you don't need to allow yourself to be seen as like really polished or really perfect. You just need to be visible because someone needs the permission you're going to give them. Someone needs the guidance and the healing that you're going to give them. Maybe by them just seeing a picture of you or seeing you at the grocery store. And so, That's why you need this validation. That's why you need that affirmation because you need to know how powerful you are. You need more people than just me on this podcast telling you that you are worth it and that we need you. And I'm not saying I need you today or I need you tomorrow. You'll know when the right time is. And if you're still working through a bunch of shit, then that's okay. And you don't need to beat yourself up for that. I'm also here to validate and affirm you and tell you that if you're not doing the work that you want to do in the world, if you're not the version of yourself that you want to be, that there is nothing wrong with you in this moment. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be grateful when you have that self-awareness. Noticing and self-awareness is so powerful. You can't change if you can't see the thing that you want to change about yourself or about the way that you show up in the world. And so I think that truly being seen and being validated and affirmed helps us to unlock our gifts and our power to I think that that's going to help us to create these businesses and to have the impact in the world that we're meant to have. Because people are going to reflect things back to us that we never in our wildest imagination would have affirmed on our own. So I think the real question is, are you going to stop? Letting your self-doubt masquerade as humility. Are you going to stop playing small just to make other people around you comfortable or because you're afraid of being visible? Are you going to allow yourself to finally come alive? And yes, I always talk about how much of a difference that's going to make in the world. But in truth, you have to nourish yourself first. You need the love and the validation and the affirmation and all of this because you need to nourish yourself first. This isn't just some bullshit like, Oh, I'm going to tell you like your cup needs to be filled to pour in someone else's. There is so much wisdom in that statement, but I know when you hear things like that, it goes in one ear and out the other because you've heard it so many times and you've never actually sat down to understand how important it is. So ultimately the self, validation and the affirmation is going to lead to you being nourished. You need to be able to receive that love from other people. You also need to be able to give yourself the love, but you are not the only one that's going to be able to do it. You are never only going to be able to do that for yourself in isolation. That is impossible. It will never be enough. It is a part of the healing. It is a part of the growing, but it is not the full picture. You need other people. And so I'm going to invite you to just stop being so afraid and to recognize how important the degree of self-awareness that you have is, because a all of the things that you're afraid of, all of the defense mechanisms, all of the self-sabotaging is great. And I mean that. In a way, in a life, in a season, in a cycle, it has helped you. It has protected you. But it's now time to let those walls down. Because there is nothing safer, and more enjoyable than being your true self. You will always have people that don't like you, that don't understand your message, that don't get what you're doing. But wouldn't you rather be nourished by the work that you're doing in the world? Wouldn't you rather have people reflect back to you how much of a difference your message or your work or just you are making for them and their life? Wouldn't you rather feel that than to keep sitting around and wishing for it to be different? Because I know some of you are going to hear this and you're going to think, I wish I had been getting that validation, that affirmation that Sabrina's been getting. I had to do a ton of work to show up in this specific way because I am not showing up with just any message. I am not showing up with just any frequency, just any vibe, just any work in the world. I am showing up so intentionally, almost intentionally, I am too serious sometimes, and I'm actually learning how to play. But this took a lot of work. So yes, I need someone to be able to tell me, I get what you're doing. I see you. Your work is making a difference. And that's available to you as well. That nourishment and that connection that you're going to get with other people is available to you as well. All it does is it requires you to show up more fully. It requires you to be present in the moment. And then you are going to be powerful. You're going to be impactful when you're in the present moment. Because in the present moment, you're going to be the most you that you've ever been. And you're going to be nourished. You're going to get that validation. You're going to get that affirmation. So thank you for spending this time with me. As I've mentioned already on both episodes, I love this podcast so much. I love this work so much. I've been waiting so long to be able to do this, to be able to be the version that can sit here and have these powerful conversations and transmit these magical things to you. I have spent half my life intentionally trying to get here So this is the fulfillment of so many special things, of so much work. And so if you are listening to this message, I am so grateful for you for being here. And I am also really grateful for you for investing in your own authenticity. And you should be proud of yourself for that. Because when you listen to people like me that speak and write with care and with intentionality, you will remember more of who you truly are. You will become more of your authentic self. You will become alive. You will have more joy. You will achieve your dreams. So thank you. Because I'm showing up just for you. And I really mean that. I'm showing up for you. Regardless of who you are listening to this. Regardless of anything you've heard me say about the massive impact that I want to have. I am still showing up for you. This message is for you. I hope you have an incredible week. And if you do nothing else, I hope when you need a hug or you need an affirmation or you need some validation, I hope you go ask for it like there's nothing wrong with that at all. And I hope you feel nourished and you feel the love that you already deserve. Thank you.